The Horoscopes
Listen to those voices.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't underestimate the pandas.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Live a little this week.
For the times when you're not living maybe you could sit in front of the television or get a government job or something...
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Colour coordinate your vegetables with the days of the week this week.
It's up to you to determine which colour vegetable goes with which colour day. For me, most Mondays are magenta.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Early on this week you will determine a certain course of action.
It will be up to you, on Wednesday, to either ditch that course of action and go to the beach or hang on tight to that course of action and bear it out.
The stars know how much you like the beach.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be true to yourself this week.
At the same time, if it doesn't conflict too much, be true to Wayne Newton this week, as well.
If you are Wayne Newton's arch-nemesis, and you know who you are, you will find this a very troubling week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be bitten by a rabid little monster this week while you're trying to put it to bed.
Luckily the monster won't have any teeth, so it won't hurt that much.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Have you been stockpiling Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts for the Major Event (tm) that will be hitting your life at the end of December?
If not, you'd better get going or there's going to be hell to pay.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Many ideas will germinate this week.
Not for you, of course, you'll be like a blank slate wrapped in plain white wrapping paper. But ideas will be flying everywhere else.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Ride a wave of emotion this week to greater accomplishments.
Just don't forget to wear pants.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no pants. Err. Horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Do not question the authorities this week, they're kind of busy, and don't have time to answer yet another question about tire pressure.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Live life to the fullest.
This may involve being your own one person variety show for very small people.
[Horoscopes. At a bookstore near you now...]