The Horoscopes
Price of tea in China: Priceless. Oh, wait.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will pick a fine time to go missing this week.
Just after lunch, so you've got a full belly, on Tuesday, which means you could potentially miss the entire rest of the week, but people still remember you being in and around the office from Monday and Tuesday morning, so they don't consider it a whole week off for you. You lucky bugger.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Ask and you shall receive.
Make a lot of gooing and gaaing noises and you may receive, but it probably won't be the thing you want.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There is a twenty dollar bill in the fruit bowl on the divider between the kitchen and the living room.
That is yours. You should take it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Very fluffy scarves will suit you this week.
Take advantage of any local scarf leasers in your area, as after this week they won't suit you any more, and you don't want to have a wardrobe full of unwearable scarves to remind you of this one fleeting, fabulous week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An ounce of prevention is worth 28.35 grams of cure this week.
It's a rough exchange rate, I'll grant you. Also this week you'll be able to get an eye for an eye and a tooth.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone you know and love is taking over your life.
On Thursday you will be asked to relinquish the one last remaining spot of personal space you have in your house when that person eats your last ginger nuts biscuit, upon which was perched that precious last inch or inch and a half of personal space.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Sassy comments in emails to people may seem like a good idea at the time, but are more often than not going to get you in trouble.
Especially if you send them to people moving back to where you are soon.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will find happiness at the bottom of the stairs.
It's neck will have been broken in the fall.
Ohh! A mystery! Which you can solve, if you don't mind being mildly depressed for the duration of the investigation. Well, and beyond, as happiness has had its neck broken in a fall, and ain't comin' back.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Nice job, blaming that Scorpio last week.
Now that you've gotten away with that, why don't you try bigger and better challenges?
Leak a memo about the Scorpios involvement in Chaluba-gate - the naming scandal that nearly rocked Taco Bell to its foundations.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't move, don't bat an eyelid this week.
Maybe the stars will forget all about you and you'll be let out of jail and back to your normal horoscopeless existence.
...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Rent out your smile for the week.
Here's an example slogan/marketing campaign you can use (free of charge, from the stars): "Smile, and the world smiles with you!"
I also recommend purchasing the mouth guard, in case people try punching you in the mouth if you're too cheery while chanting your slogan.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Last week's horoscope was not a bad horoscope. Life is like a ceiling fan is not a bad thing. It's nice. Doesn't everyone like ceiling fans? And if they don't necessarily like them, don't they at the very least feel neutral about them? So, I rest my case.
This week your life is like a bucket full of mud and sticks and moss and water.
Brimming, messy, and a lot of fun if you have the mind of a two to ten year old.
Lucky for you...
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