The Horoscopes
Dude.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. You can pick your friends or your nose this week. You can't do both.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Life is one continuous fight to balance might with right, mettle with a kettle.
Don't attempt to balance kettles with boiling water in them.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be getting ready, physically and mentally, for a voyage. If it involves planes I don't recommend watching Lost.
Pack warmish, but with some clothing for warmer weather. And with stuff that can be worn in rain or shine. And shoes for walking and running and sitting. Maybe invest in a new suitcase or two.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
On Thursday, there will be hell to pay.
Note: Do not attempt to keep hell in your wallet. Unless you have an asbestos wallet. And even then... it'll be hard to carry on conversations with all the screaming coming from your wallet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you are Theo Epstein, and we're guessing at least one of you is, you will walk away from a fat contract worth around a million and a half US dollars a year because the people offering it to you were jerking you around.
Good luck, Theo.
If you aren't Theo, bad luck not getting offered that kind of money.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get a massage on Saturday. Think of this not so much as something read from the stars as an order. From the stars.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will have an acute awareness of the effect your actions have on others this week.
This won't change how you behave or anything, it'll just mean you chuckle to yourself a lot more this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Hold a candle in your hand and stare at the wax. Look at how it drips down, following its own path. Each drop taking a slightly different path based on the drips that have gone before.
This is a lot like your life, only you don't burn anyone's hand if they stare at you long enough.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Leave the heavy lifting for next week, this week should be designated a 'feet up' kind of week for you.
With Saturn in your house of easy listening, luckily for you, you will also have a 'hard of hearing' kind of week when you get nagged by anyone and everyone to get off your lazy butt and do something.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
"All we are is dust on the wind," goes the famous song, now available in everything from car commercials to ads for 60s and 70s radio stations.
Try and find the bits of gold in the dust in the wind, because there's bound to be precious metal, and it's a lot easier to pick it out of the air then trudge around knee deep in a river for an afternoon.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Be sure to wake someone up in a half an hour for their show.
Past that, take it easy this week.
Help someone roll over. If you take this mean 'turn over a new leaf,' fine. If you take it mean 'help them physically turn over,' well, so be it, too.
[Horoscopes. Chinchillas sure are nocturnal.]