The Horoscopes
No sleep 'till Brooklyn.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take some time for yourself this week.
Life can be hectic and can get you down. And then there are weeks like next week, when some guy is going to hit you with a tire iron in the knee. So I would take it easy this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will sleep through the night this week.
For some of you, this will be a major accomplishment.
For others, that bag and a three quarters of nachos you eat in one sitting on Thursday night will be your major accomplishment for the week and a new personal record.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
As a result of sloppy bookkeeping, you will inherit the Capone fortune... the only catch is this: you need to go with Geraldo Rivera to open up some vault in Miami to get it.
Your alternative is staying home and reading a good book. Or Sane, for that matter.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will get a visitor this week.
Don't trust them with your wallet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It will be a week of firsts for you.
Don't let talk around the water cooler cool your passions. I don't know what you've done, but anytime you're the talk around the water cooler, good on you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Since you haven't slept since, approximately, July 25th or so, you will finally start to feel a little bit tired this week.
Make someone cook you dinner on Thursday. And wear a funny hat to make you laugh. Maybe ask them to get a monkey and organ grinder and play a little tune for you, too.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
What comes around goes around.
This cryptic message will make a lot more sense in a few weeks.
Maybe.
Aries March 21 - April 19
No one trusts someone with shifty eyes.
Unfortunately, Saturn is rising in your House of the Shifting Eyes, and you love taking advantage of that time when your eyes are at their most shift-able.
So you need to figure out what's more important to you: personal happiness or the trust of others.
I'd pick the personal happiness. Largely because happy people eat more ice cream, and I like ice cream.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Hell won't freeze over this week, but it will feel like it when you make an advance towards someone.
Get out the popcorn for one!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
For your perseverance alone you should get a horoscope.
Just not this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The answer to all of life's problems is fries and a burger.
Oh, wait, the answer to all of life's problems is not fries and a burger.
Funny how horoscopes get food-filled around dinner time.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're not going to make any sense on Tuesday.
You will begin to feel, by the end of the week, that your role in life is serving as a pack animal for someone considerably smaller than yourself. This may be true.
[Horoscopes. It's the new monster.com.]