The Horoscopes
Go go go.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Happiness is also a dish best served cold.
So get out some ice cubes if your happiness is about to spoil and is still warm. And you want to give it away.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is not the week to be making any big life-changing decisions.
Save that for last week.
If you didn't make any big life-changing decisions last week, well, unless you're being mauled by lions every day around 10 in the morning, your life isn't too bad now, is it? Why go changing?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Make sure you have all your ducks in a row this week. The duck inspector will be by, and you know how much she hates crooked ducks.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is your one last week to have a bit of peace and quiet. So seize the week! Quietly, of course, and if you can't seize quietly then maybe you'll want to just hug it gently.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The retail therapy doctor is in this week!
Go out and buy yourself something. If your ailment is a broken limb or something you might want to consider getting something medical in nature, and possibly also visiting an actual doctor, along with the retail therapy one.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be on your best behaviour this week.
If you punch anyone, make sure they are 1) numb in the region in which you punch them, 2) smaller than you, 3) up for being punched, or 4) very, very slow.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Does the phrase "a stranger in a strange land" ring any bells with you this week?
Here's the answer, in case you didn't guess: it does.
How strange it all is depends on you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
When you are burning your bridges this week make sure you don't do that thing you did when you were painting your kitchen last year...
Fire is worse than wet paint.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Cats never worry about finances, so why do you?
Oh yeah, because cats don't pay the damn rent.
Remember that.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have nothing. Nothing at all. You're like a void wrapped in another, smaller void.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This isn't going to make much sense.
Gerbils!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't ask for whom the bell tolls this week.
Because I think they're testing the bell and it may be ringing a lot, and you asking all the time is just going to get annoying.
[Horoscopes. Here they come again! Just not to San Jose.]