The Horoscopes
Nice read.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Turn that frown upside down!
Umm... just make sure you turn it back the other way every so often, otherwise all the blood will rush to your head and it might just pop off.
That would be a really awkward way to end the week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Everyone loves a parade!
Including you. If this means just marching around in your underpants (or other suitable attire) around the house for your local loved ones, so be it. You might want to warn them, in advance, because almost no one loves a surprise parade.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is a week for thoughtful reflection more than action for you.
Taking that into account, if you were originally planning to invade France (or any other country, for that matter), I highly recommend putting that off a week or two.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be very busy this week.
But please remember to stop and eat the doughnuts.
This is a close relative of the act of stopping to smell the roses, only it tastes better. But may give you a heart attack, which, so far as I know, smelling roses won't.
So maybe you'll want to just stop and sniff roses, instead. Your choice.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try helping out some people bigger than yourself (not metaphorically or morally or anything, I mean actually physically bigger) by helping them unpack something.
If they don't have anything of note to unpack, try liberating some cereal from a cereal box, that counts.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will probably scar your child for life this Thursday morning.
If you don't have a child by Thursday morning, go out and find one, they're everywhere these days.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Never trust a monkey.
If you manage to read this before Friday, please, please don't forget that sage advice.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will very nearly die of boredom on Wednesday.
If you are not reading this there is a chance you may have actually died of boredom. Or if you are reading this not from the comfort of your favourite horoscope-surfing chair but from the Great Beyond or somewhere similar, I may have been off by just a little bit.
Please note: most horoscopes carry a 2.5% margin of error in either direction.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be confident in your decision-making ability this week.
You'll make the wrong decision in a big way on Thursday, but if you're confident enough in your ability some people may not notice as much.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't move. Just don't move a muscle...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Like a mango hitting a propeller, you should have a smoothie this week.
Maybe a mango one.
[Paid for by Mangos for a Better Tomorrow 2005.]
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Someone should empty the dishwasher on Saturday.
Someone...
Okay, listen, enough hints. You. You need to empty the dishwasher on Saturday.
[Horoscopes. They've been named: The Drama Queens.]