The Horoscopes
Nice Catch, Gabe
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Man, do you have the stinkiest feet ever this week.
Bear this in mind before scheduling any non-shoe-wearing activities.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Pirates will take over your week!
Try and blend in, which is always the best strategy with pirates.
One effective impersonation method we've seen recently is performed by
squinting one eye almost shut and grunting.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Punch a Boston sports writer this week.
They have it coming, don't worry.
Oh, and don't go any further west than you have to, otherwise you risk
becoming a slave again, like last week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Assert your independence this week by dumping tea bags in someone
else's large body of water.
If you want to just pour someone a cup of tea and consider this a
subversive, subtle sign of asserting your independence, so be it.
Then again, if someone infringing on your independence owns a large
harbour or something, well, you have a good model for what to do.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Mysterious things will happen in mysterious ways this week.
Which, of course, is a double mysterious, so they cancel each other out and you'll just have a normal week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your slaves have escaped!
You can try checking everywhere, but I think they've left the region.
Try teaching someone short to do the stuff the slaves used to do.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Time for a change!
Mercury near your sign means a change is a blowin' in the wind
This also means you're probably going to be neck deep in cardboard
boxes.
Aries March 21 - April 19
On Thursday, around noon, you're going to want to jump as high as you
can.
I can't say any more, sorry.
Libra September 23 - October 22
If you're convinced this is the week you're destined to regain your
birthright (whatever that might be), you can go ahead and try. Just let
us know.
Because Saturn says this definitely isn't your week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We've got nothing for you, bub.
So move along.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Turns out that was a desert aisle. The ham aisle, in fact. That accounts for all the ham last week.
Go figure.
This week you're not deserted, as the grocery staff kicked you out after you started throwing spare ham at other shoppers.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you've ever thought about running a marathon, this week is the week
to continue sitting on your butt, not doing anything about it.
Because a marathon is a long way. Longer than you probably
realise, you know.
[Horoscopes. Ah, that's how to get an agent...]