The Horoscopes
False Alarm
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't step too close to any wormholes this week.
This is of particular importance if you live near a large linear
accelerator.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will drink only in moderation this week.
And, for Pete's sake, just burp it out, burp it out, kiddo, and it'll
all be all right.
A little person will take center stage this week.
If you're little, it may be you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Thanks for the Munchkins!
As a reward, Saturn gives you the week off.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
T-minus about a month and counting until your big journey.
What? We'd never mentioned your big journey before?
Well, you're about to embark on one worthy of Odysseus.
Without, hopefully, getting lost.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your cousin says hello.
The one that owns the vegetable stand.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This is your week to burp anything that moves.
While many things will resist burping, your newfound mastery of the
skill will soon win over anything that does resist. You may be left
with a few scratches, but it's worth it for a good burp, trust me.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Change is a'blowin' in the wind.
You might want to wear sunglasses, as getting change in your eye hurts
like a bugger.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Turn down that music!
Appreciate the music of the spheres this week, just at reasonable
levels.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't look on the sunny side of life this week, it's not pretty, and we
don't want you being disillusioned.
If you're a suffering artist you might as well look, because hey man,
disillusionment is your game.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hello.
Umm, that's all I've got for you. Sorry.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Disillusionment is your ham, unlike certain Libras, for whom
disillusionment is their game.
Which would you rather have, ham or a game?
Can you eat a game if you're stranded on a desert island? No.
Oh yeah, you'll also find yourself stranded on a desert isle this week.
So it turns out that ham comes in handy.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Learn to appreciate the finer things in life.
Like, umm... I don't know... like, well, you know. Fine
stuff.
Like an unblemished spit-up cloth. Or something to that effect.
[Horoscopes. Strangely addictive...]