The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Things are not always as they seem.
For this reason alone, I would be very careful where I sit this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will spend a good portion of your time this week choosing your outfit for Friday.
When you realise you never reset your clock after daylight savings and miss the event on Friday for which you've been preparing, well, you're going to be bummed. Even this forewarning won't help.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're going to have to choose this week.
Hopefully, for your sake, it's between New Coke and Classic Coke, and not anything more serious.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You may be in a playful mood this week, but you should make sure you let sleeping dogs lie. Both metaphorically and literally.
Because there's no fun in a just woken up dog nipping your finger off.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I sense a long journey in your future.
So pack an extra pair of underwear when you leave the house this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will really, really, really enjoy saying the word "Boppy" this week.
You will have a lot of free time on your hands this week. Sort of.
Also, if this is the week I think it is, welcome to the world, little buddy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This is an outdoorsy kind of week for you.
If you live in the city, or don't really like the outdoors, sitting by an open window counts.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will have the darndest time focusing this week. So we're just going to forgo the rest of this horoscope, because it's not like you're reading at this stage, anyway.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A guy with a funny looking hat will determine your future this week.
Try and be a good sport about it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Imagine the potential this week might hold if you had a horoscope!
Alas.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You should have a serious conversation you've been meaning to have this week.
Unfortunately, this will not go well. Go figure.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I have a feeling this is going to be a very busy week for you.
[Horoscopes. As if it were a swarm of bees?]