The Horoscopes
Hoo Boy
Taurus April 20 - May 20
I see lots of fun in the sun for you this week.
Personally, I like it when a week rhymes.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be tenacious this week if you believe in something.
If you're agnostic, you can still be tenacious, just pretend you believe in something.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be asked to lead by example this week.
Try and make sure your example includes eating chocolate muffins, because everyone loves that kind of leader.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
I'm not kidding you, even real horoscopes will tell you travel will be in your thoughts this week.
This one tells you that donuts will also be in your thoughts today, which is much better than you're going to get from any other horoscope.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do the locomotion this week.
People may offer you gifts of great value to them... but only take them if you can trade them in for a plasma screen tv... that's just how you are this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You should stay out of the sun this week, take it easy. Have someone make you tea or fetch you drinks or something.
If you're "on the inside," as we like to call it, you may be sprung in the next few weeks, so savour those last few moments you have, "on the inside."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Walk on eggshells around certain people this week.
You know the people I mean, the ones that enjoy seeing you walk on eggshells.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Carry the flag high this week. Your own personal flag, the one that tells everyone who you are, what you do, and why, that is.
You'll be surprised how many people ask you why the heck you're carrying around a flag all week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Try socialising this week.
If you go bowling, make sure you wear clean, non-smelly socks. Or at least only moderately smelly ones, if you can't help it. That will help the socialising.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I got nothin' for you. Go fly a kite.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your week will resemble a bag of chips you open this week.
Mostly full of air, with a couple of crumbs of what used to be potatoes at the bottom.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will have to deal with someone who is considerably shorter than yourself this week.
Also, on Friday, say "No."
[Horoscopes. What happens when you sit in a comet's path... BOOM!]