The Horoscopes
Enjoy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Enjoy this week, it may be your last.
I think I'm speaking metaphorically when I say that.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If someone tells you you can't go out and play with others this week you're going to be miserable. So try not to listen to what anyone says, just in case they place those kind of restrictions on you.
Plus it'll make the week just fly by.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
For whatever reason, well, in addition to the position of the stars, of course, you will project strong leadership qualities this week.
People may just be saying that to try and get you to lead by example, in the hopes that you'll get whatever job done on your own, instead of enlisting their help. Beware.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Whoa. I thought I'd read something about urine in your stars this week. Turns out it was just that you should be unique this week.
Which is considerably better than being urine.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Look, get off that couch, damnit.
Especially when people are trying to vacuum around it. It's only going to disrupt your television viewing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Some may try to pressure you into baking them a cake or two this week.
And we're here to tell you that sometimes caving in to pressure is good, sometimes. Go on and bake that cake. Make sure you put some chocolate in.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Get back to your roots today.
This may mean you should start gardening or should get the colour out of your hair.
Or you could be in for a long boat trip back to a place where you don't speak the language. Like Maine.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, sadly, you're not so ninja-like in your relationship matters. You're more like a gardener in all things relationship. If you really want, though, you can be a gardener who wears ninja gear, okay?
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week should be about one thing, and one thing only. Cake.
Wait, that's not for you. What your week should be all about is... quick decisions.
Not so quick that you type the wrong thing for the wrong person, though.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Here's a stock tip, since you've got nothing else. Buy something that's going to be worth more in the future than it is now.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone is going to set fire to your favourite plant this week. Don't blame them, it's written in the stars, it's not like they had a choice.
However, if they douse it in gasoline and wind up getting your house on fire as well, well, that is their choice. So assign blame accordingly.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is a busy week for you. In fact, you shouldn't even be reading this. Get going!
Oh, and don't forget to hit the post office tomorrow.
[Horoscopes. Hmm. Doctor Who books... online.]