The Horoscopes
It may be so for a lot of you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is one week you'll never forget.
First off, what happens Tuesday is just really, really nice.
And secondly, the government will kidnap you on Thursday, hiding you away in a secret bunker for a couple of days, at the end of which they'll give you a serum which is supposed to make you forget everything about the kidnapping, but, due to budget cut-backs, will actually make you remember it more.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There's a saying that goes: "If you peel grapes at all in your lifetime, be sure to do it on a Wednesday."
I'm not sure why that is. But if you have any grapes lying around in need of peeling, you might want to keep that in mind.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
With Venus rising and a dipping third moon of Saturn in your house of bad decisions, the President of the United States of America will be seen sniffing around your trash this week.
If you have dogs, you may wish to sic them on him, as it's your personal freedom to have sniff-free trash.
This won't necessarily be a bad decision; the dipping third moon makes your bad decisions 30% more likely to turn out good, in fact.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
It will be a difficult week for communication for you.
You could try speaking a foreign language this week, seeing as it's going to be difficult to be understood, anyway, this week. It might be a nice way to take advantage of a non-ideal situation.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your mind may be cluttered with many thoughts this week.
Make sure you take time to yourself to clear them away periodically, like you should have done with the kitchen drawers months ago.
Be comforted that, at the very least, you haven't lost four boxes of rubber bands in your mind.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Treat this week like a trial: you will meet twelve extremely bored people who will just sit and stare at you, one dressed all in black with a hammer, and a lot of ill-fitting suits.
Or just watch Law and Order or one of those legal tele-dramas and try to empathise a little bit more than you usually do.
Also, wear those green trousers that look so cute on you this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Life is like a trampoline.
It's a lot of fun at first, then you forget about it and you find it in the basement years later, sort of dusty and the first time you jump on it you break right through the desiccated material that formerly bounced so well.
Don't let your trampoline go to waste this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Become a relationship ninja this week.
This means you should sneak around a lot and wear a lot of black. You may already do this.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This is a great week to catch up on your reading.
Don't forget Flann O'Brien (The Third Policeman).
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Is there hope that you may someday get a horoscope again?
Answer hazy.
If worse comes to worse we can always resort to the Magic Eight Ball (tm).
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
"It may be so."
Your week, and, something else. I can't tell what. Whatever it is, it may be so. Then again, it may not. That's what's implied in the whole use of the word 'may'. Proceed with caution.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
What are you waiting for?
Go out and get 'em boy (or girl)!
It's well known Aquarii are the most competent sign and universally revered, so go out and get that thing you've been wanting. Unless it's a fastfood cheeseburger, you know what those things do to your stomach nowadays.
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