The Horoscopes
A week in the life of...
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Repent!
That's it for you this week. It'll keep you busy, trust me.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't lick lollipops that have been lying around on the ground.
This advice will come in handy at least three times this week, and will break your heart at least once.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you are a mother, and not in the gang-slang sort of sense of the word, and are based in the US, again, not in the slang sort of sense of the word, Happy Mother's Day! Err, Sunday.
The rest of the week you can just twiddle your thumbs. Even you gang-related Virgos out there.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Friends will be no friends of yours this week.
Keep your own counsel and trust no one.
Except us, of course. Trust us implicitly. Unless something seems a little off about us, in which case it may be someone impersonating us, in which case you shouldn't trust us. And probably run! They may mean you harm! The impersonators of us, not us, that is.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Suck your thumb less this week, file and sort important financial papers more.
Everyone will thank you. Trust me.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are feeling very sleepy... veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeepy.
When you wake up, you will cluck like a chicken when someone says the word "lasagna."
And give birth to a bouncing baby... Buddy in July.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I want you to paint something this week. The stars want you to paint something this week.
If you have a friend in need, for example, with a set of bland-looking walls, there might be a good place to start, instead of just daubing around on a canvas in your kitchen.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't assume your significant other knows what you're talking about this week.
Especially if you're discussing quantum physics. Or algebra.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week is an excellent one to be adventurous.
But not too adventurous.
A sort of happy medium, as it were.
A happy, mostly adventurous medium.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Move right on along to your tea leaves, because there's nothing to see here.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There will be one long, incredibly dark night of the soul for you this week.
It'll be Thursday through Friday, until you realise someone's stapled your blinds shut again in the bedroom. Once you get them back open you will start an abbreviated short, bright day of the soul, seeing as how it'll be around 11am on the Friday that you figure out what's happened.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Smile with your heart and the whole world smiles with you.
This isn't true. You can tell yourself this week, and possibly trick yourself into believing it's true, but it's not entirely, especially with that one guy at the office, who's always such a miserable old person, anyway, and insists on ruining everyone else's mood.
What is true is that smile and lock the miserable old guy in the women's toilets and the whole world (barring that one sad case, unfortunately), really will smile along with you.
[Horoscopes. Hollywood defeats even the Dark Side.]