The Horoscopes
And we're back
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Give up smoking this week.
If you don't smoke, give up something else. It's sort of like an astrological Lent, but late.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Put a bit of pep in your step this week. If you need to force it, so be it.
If you're concerned whether or not you've got enough pep, check yourself out in the mirror. If you look ridiculous, you've got enough.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You should be over any jet lag from last week.
Make sure you drink enough water this week.
Oh, and don't buy Microsoft stocks this week.
This weekly stock tip/horoscope brought to you by Credit Suisse First Boston.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Does the name Lucky Drawers mean anything to you?
If it's a horse, you might want to place a bet on it this week.
If it's a nickname you have, well, you're already doing quite well. Carry on.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There's no happy face like the happy face of a loved one.
Try and get around and see the happy face of a loved one. And if they're not happy, tell them to try, because you're on a quest, like a treasure hunt sort of thing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You may think you look fat this week.
But you don't. This is a known side effect of global warming, people thinking they look fatter. This is the number one reason scientists want us to address global warming, because they're all just really afraid of not looking good in their Sunday best.
So relax, the stars still think you look beautiful.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are certifiably crazy.
Money matters will elude you this week (this is a side note, not related to the first statement). So be careful around strangers with sticky fingers.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You missed us tremendously. Even though we still published, you could just tell they were long-range forecasts on the horoscopes front.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You've been getting far too comfortable lately. Break out of your routine, even if it means just using a different toothbrush.
You may want to ask permission first, but, then again, that would be a real break from the routine, wouldn't it?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You've got nothin'. Nothin' at all. Not even a... anything.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Keep this in mind this week.
Merriment is a dish best served seared.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you plan on being bikini-ready for the summer you'd better get cracking. Unless you live in Australia, in which case you've got a long while to go before summer.
[Horoscopes. Here's the lesson: Never trust ants.]