The Horoscopes
Still gone... but with you in spirit. And horoscopes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Careful with sharp objects this week, you're especially dangerous with them this week.
Including high heels.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be making another long journey. There are a lot of you out there doing this, it seems.
It's always a good zodiacal sort of fallback, I suppose.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't drink the apple juice on Wednesday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A lot of things are out of your hair this week.
So I would maybe wear a hat or something, because it'll be tough doing anything with it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Get in shape now!
Get rid of that baby fat and get yourself off the couch!
You'll feel better. Unless you are a baby... in which case, carry on with the baby fat.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look very beautiful this week.
You won't be able to help this.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're going to be challenged this week, and I want you to back down. Just step back, take a deep breath. Make the other person think you agree.
When they're not looking just go ahead and do whatever it is you wanted to do in the first place.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll have the most fabulous adventures today!
Unfortunately, you're going to be stuck speaking in that Mary Poppins-like fake empathetic voice.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your sexy quotient is sky high this week.
Use it to your advantage. If you want to test our powers, go on, apply your quotient to getting some free groceries this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I'm so, so so sorry. No horoscope for you. First time I've shown remorse, isn't it?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone is going to set fire to your ficus plant this week.
It was the guy from down the way.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are one lucky devil.
Don't look so smug and happy, otherwise someone's gonna wind up trying to hit you. Or hit you up for money, anyway.
[Horoscopes. For all your book-lovin' friends.]