The Horoscopes
Ain't no time like the present.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Sit still this week.
Hear that sound?
It's the sound of progress.
Of which you're making none, by sitting around while everyone else has to vacuum around you and everything.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You need to stop eating socks.
I know you may have a valid explanation for it, but I know what the stars told me.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Watch out for any of those shady Leos, walking around with socks hanging out of their mouths.
And unfortunately, no, that isn't a euphemism for anything.
Also, you may want to invest in a beekeepers helmet this week, if only because you think beekeeper's helmets look cool.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have your last peaceful week for a couple this week.
So you'd better enjoy it.
The stars suggest bocce.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Saturn in your House of Crankiness means you're not going to be a lot of fun to be around this week.
If you're a baby, though, you have the bonus coverage of being a baby, and people are forced to be around you, anyway! Score!
If you're not a baby, well, sucks for you, doesn't it?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will leave work at 5.30 every day. PM. The same day you arrived. No ifs, ands, or buts. Or butts.
Because no one likes butts at work.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
In your own Pisceian sort of way, you'll enjoy this week.
It'll largely be because of the popcorn on Thursday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your original horoscope read: "gggggggggg." My 'g' key is unbelievably dirty and I was trying to clean it off.
This may be your purpose in life: to discover the answer to "why does all of my tea seem to spill on only the 'g' key?"
Answers on a postcard by the end of the week, please.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Learn something new every day this week.
Not the same thing, preferably, unless you've got a very bad memory. But whatever works for you, really.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You so have not a single hope of getting a horoscope this week.
Not a one. And you didn't. Sorry.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Do not attempt to play on a jungle gym which is being played upon by any species of monkey.
It's not worth the hassle. We only bring this up now because it's relevant this week, but it's good advice to live by, in general.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be making a long journey this week.
And I don't mean back to the supermarket because you forgot to buy milk.
[Horoscopes. George?]