The Horoscopes
Wherever you go, there these are.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't waste time with others petty guilt and pressuring this week.
Instead, hone your own. And, of course, don't try it out on any other Tauri, because they won't be wasting time with yours.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There are a load of people just dying to buy what you're selling.
Note that this is a figure of speech. Don't expect the demand for the collection of porcelain cats you've been hiding from everyone for years now to be too high.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Nothing comes your way cheap this week.
So you have two options:
1. Take a very long nap. Ride the week out not expecting anything. Maybe if we'd been on the ball we could have warned you of this last week so you could pick up some food cheap or something.
2. Make sure to try and only visit ATMs that don't charge you the $3-�3 fee to take out money. That sort of stuff adds up, you know.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Here's what you do this week:
- Bake some brown bread.
- Wait for it to cool, just a little bit.
- Pick the first address you find in your US-based address book and ship the brown bread there.
Also, look both ways before crossing the street.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are very small, aren't you?
This isn't to put you down, it's just I never really noticed how small you were before.
Oh well, anyway.
Small people should also, it should be noted, throw stones in glass houses. Especially this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look very, very beautiful this week.
Your week will be a little bit like a BellaBand. Constrictive at first, but then it will begin to tie your week all together, and merge the two ends of it seamlessly, where it once seemed far too far apart to make it from one end to the other.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Like Teddy Roosevelt once said, "speak softly and carry a big stick."
Now Teddy wore glasses, so if you don't wear glasses, you'll want to be careful with that stick. And no running with it, either.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't touch that dial!
Really, don't. Someone spilled peanut butter on it and it's all sticky. Unless you like that sort of thing. In which case, by all means, touch away.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Someone is going to bait you this week. Don't rise to it.
Instead, take the moral high road and act so annoyingly upright that they just go away because they can't stand being around you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sorry, no horoscope. Again.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If someone punches you in the arm, turn the other arm, and let them punch you there.
And that's it, really. It just makes things easier than having them have to wrestle you to the ground or anything.
It will get much, much worse before it gets better.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your winning lottery numbers for this week are 10-36-9-26-21.
Unfortunately, for some reason or another, you won't be able to take advantage of this knowledge. You're either going to buy the ticket and fudge the numbers (which will have the happy side effect of making you write things down more often), or you will buy the ticket, not fudge the numbers, but you will lose the ticket in a bizarre barroom brawl, or you will forget to buy the ticket completely.
The last option is the cheapest, and won't cost you a new set of teeth.
[Horoscopes. An ad for backup software? Funny? What?]