Taurus April 20 - May 20
You get an urge to break a major news story this week.
How about investigating the origin of the saying "Curiousity killed the cat?"
Was it said by a cat hater or lover? Is it said with malice or pity and shame?
It'll make for more interesting news than most of the outlets are providing, anyway. And it'll get you outside, too.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You own a very cool pair of shades. That's sunglasses, not something you put over a window.
Wear them, flaunt them. This week is going to be a bright week for you.
Again, we're not talking about the window shades.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your motivational drive will have been flooded by your insistence upon revving your motivational energies last week, despite the fact the we told you it wasn't going to happen for you, motivationally speaking.
Consider yourself setting an example (hint: not a good one) for the other signs.
Maybe next time we tell you you'll have no motivation you'll sit around properly like a lump.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you cracked wise with the wise men that showed up on your doorstep last week you will regret it this week, when they continue to remain on your porch.
After the crack you made none of them wanted to talk to you, particularly, and you were too embarrassed to start a conversation. Occasionally you'll leave food at the front door, and it will have disappeared by evening.
If you didn't crack wise last week then you've possibly got worse problems, because the wise men smell of sheep and have moved into, not entirely with your permission, your guest bedroom.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Welcome to the world.
If this is your first week on the planet, orientation classes start at the community centre on Tuesday.
If it's not your first week you're welcome as well.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Do not drink any tea this week unless under close supervision.
Saturn in your sign means tea will be pulled slightly more to the near side of your cup in a kind of tide-like effect. Which means that there's a good chance you'll spill it all over the place.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Ha! We were so right about last week being The Week, you Elvis nut, you.
Take it easy this week, you deserve a break.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You, on the other hand, don't. Swab the decks!
This will not be one of your favourite weeks.
Take comfort in the fact that every week can't be a favourite week, otherwise we'd have to truck out the supermodels and beer every week, with a new, enjoyable twist each time.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You're going to forget something this week, it's a plain and simple fact.
Going to happen.
Here's what you want to concentrate on this week, then: Try and make sure it's not your pants you forget.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sorry about last week. I thought I'd try to be nice, and I probably just made it worse, didn't I?
So this week all I'll say is: No horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Tackle big issues this week.
Like the environment.
Try to do it in front of some of those tree-huggers, as well. They'll flip out at you tackling the environment and everything, and probably chuck red paint on you, for lack of anything else to do (because who wants to sit in a tree when someone else is trying to tackle it?).
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You know what? It was the greatest sound you've ever heard.
Are you getting fat?
I'm reading in your stars that you're getting a little fat...
[Horoscopes. Mouseposé: give your mouse stage fright. Also, don't forget to donate some money for the tsnuami victims. You know you have $50 or so to spare. Just forgo a trip to the iTunes Music Store, don't buy a few albums and you've got it.]
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