Taurus April 20 - May 20
I don't have to tell you that there are times when you just have to take a little time to yourself.
Which, of course, begs the question why I had to bring it up like this, in a horoscope, pretending like you really do know when you have to take a little time to yourself. Honestly.
It's thinly veiled at best and if we're both not going to face up to it, well, we're just going to wind up snapping and you'll probably never get a decent horoscope again. One that you can read without feeling undertones of disgust and pity. And not the good kind of pity, either.
So get some rest, damn it! I'm only telling you for the good of both of us.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Look on the bright side of life. But be sure to wear sunglasses.
Because sometimes bright can be too bright.
And the sunglasses will help you remain unrecognized when you really don't want to be recognized on Thursday.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You must have caught the secret bug from Gemini from last week!
It's like a contagious disease!
Only it involves cake! If more contagious things involved cake I'm sure contagion would be a whole lot more popular.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
What happened!?
Why have Virgos got your secret!?
It's like those "got your nose" games adults play with children, only there's no way to fit a cake-based secret between your fore and middle finger.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try and get snippy with someone this week.
It's hard, isn't it? Forcibly being snippy with someone just makes you sound like one of the Chipmunks, or someone talking while sucking on a straw.
Remember this, because it'll probably come in handy later in life. The knowledge, that is, not sounding like one of the Chipmunks being sucked through a straw.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You got pie last week.
Life is good.
Life couldn't be better. Sure, maybe if you had a bigger TV it could be, but you're doing all right for yourself.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Here's an exercise for this week to gauge just how much you can trust people:
Ask someone to stand approximately five feet from you, preferably in their sock feet.
Ask them to close their eyes.
Chuck a foam egg at them (foam egg is preferable, but a real one will do in a pinch).
Oh, wait. That's to see how trustworthy you are. Well, either way, at least you learn something, right?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Why does it seem you always get kidnapped by pirates, you may be asking yourself.
Maybe it's the goatee and handkerchief you're always wearing on your head.
These are the sort of things you should think about this week. Sort of re-evaluate your life, if you will.
Because you've got a lot of time to think while awaiting being sold off as a slave.
Oh, oh! And think about if you could fly and gasoline that powered cars was actually liquid sugar! Those sort of things never get enough thought, I always feel.
Libra September 23 - October 22
What a difference a week makes!
That's what you'll be saying next week.
Like the band says, don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
Also, if you have time, try and not stop thinking about two days from now. Especially if you have to do laundry.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Okay, so you didn't get a horoscope last week, but you did get a little wordplay. Granted, nothing too special, but it's something, right?
Because this week you're gettin' nuthin.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
That sweater better be done. Saturn demands results, on time!
It appears your sign has been taken over by Saturn and a piece of Jupiter to work in a sweatshop, manufacturing knitted sweaters for pets.
At least you'd better hope they're for pets, because the sweaters you're turning out aren't what we would call... ehm, well, for people, I suppose.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, if you bore Good News last week you can take this week off.
It's like jury duty, sort of.
If you didn't bear it last week you'd better have a damn good reason to not have.
And what's with that stupid grin on your face?
[Horoscopes. Have you got your copy yet?]
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