Taurus April 20 - May 20
Do not anger the chickens this week.
For woe betide anyone who pisseth off the chickens this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your parents may be starting to dress you funny.
You have my permission to rebel.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Travel is in your future.
A lot like plastic was the future, in It's a Wonderful Life only you don't have to say Hee-Haw unless you really want to.
It may free up seats next to you on the plane, when you do travel.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
No chocolate in your future this week.
Just confidence!
That's right, either your confidence will be at an all-time high this week or someone will pull a confidence trick on you. Or perhaps you'll pull one on someone. It could happen.
At any rate, that's what in store.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will awake on Thursday to find you have no feeling in your legs.
Because a bear had fallen asleep on them while you were sleeping.
In a way, you're lucky. But in another, more farsighted way, you're not as lucky as you might hope.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Pick Yosemite... pick Yosemite...
Have a hot dog on Monday evening, it'll help cut the hunger.
Oh! And you will look irresistibly cute on Tuesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are a stranger in your own land this week.
Even so, it can't detract from this being one of the best weeks of your life!
You will win the lottery.
Just remember the little people. And the ones who predicted it in your horoscope.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Humans do not die if they eat lint.
This is just a handy hint to assuage any fears that might crop up later in the week owing to ... circumstances.
Libra September 23 - October 22
There will be no barriers stopping you from going all the way to the top this week!
Except for this really big guy, right at the last stop before the top.
He's big enough to be considered a barrier.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no barriers because you have no horoscope.
Does this mean you've reached Horoscope Nirvana, because you have nothing? Who knows.
It makes writing your horoscope very easy each week, anyway.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't be discouraged early in the week.
Well, okay, don't be too discouraged. You're going to be discouraged, that's just how the celestial cookie is crumbling for you this week. Just don't let it get to you too much.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will face big big decisions this week. Like what to wear, four to five weeks in the future.
It's going to be tough, but stay strong.
[Horoscopes. Wish Red a Happy Birthday!]
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