Taurus April 20 - May 20
Oh man, oh dear
You've gotten a very stale horoscope this week.
Don't handle it too much, otherwise you're going to be vacuuming horoscope crumbs out of your carpet for weeks.
Leo July 23 - August 22
*sniff* *sniff* Are those lemon wafers I smell?
Oh man... aren't you allergic to them? I think Saturn says you are, you'd better send 'em over...
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Macaroon!
Not the dance craze, but the cookie.
Your week will involve a lot of the cookie. Don't limit yourself to just traditional cookie usage, experiment.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Spelling is a highly underrated skill in life.
Especially when you're trapped in a boat rushing towards a waterfall.
Well, maybe not so much, then. Make sure you pack extra rope or maybe an outboard engine if you go rafting this weekend.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
On Friday, 10.14am, please cover your mouth when you sneeze.
Thanks.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You owe me tea.
Oh yeah, and happy birthday!
Okay, okay, we'll waive the tea requirement this week.
Have fun on Thursday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will begin baking cookies this week... chocolate chip, perhaps boxed with a few Dunkin Donut donuts. You only have until September to get your horde together, so get bakin'!
Aries March 21 - April 19
It will come as something of a shock to you when you wake up Tuesday as a roach.
Kafka-esque, you might say.
You knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You know those shiny pants you've got?
Wear them on Thursday and Friday.
If people ask if you didn't wear them just the day before on Friday, ask them if they think you're daft, wearing such noticeable pants two days in a row.
How they respond will tell you a lot about the rest of this year for you.
Especially if they just stop talking to you and walk away.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!
You know the drill by now.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Oh jeez, you got some Scorpio horoscope spilled on yours, which means half of it's disappeared!
I only managed to salvage the following:
"...jelly-filled or nothing at all."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be doing a lot of things this week.
Some things will be fun, some will be boring.
Possibly not in even measure.
At the end of the week you will have another one.
[Horoscopes. See? It's not that hard...]
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