Taurus April 20 - May 20
Save one of those peanuts for me, you're always hogging all the good nuts from the bag of mixed nuts.
Warning, this horoscope contains nuts.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you spend too much time looking on the sunny side you might go blind. That isn't a euphemism.
The long term damage staring directly at the sun causes is pretty well documented. So try and look on the gloomy side, as well. For the sake of your eyes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Do not air dirty laundry in public this week.
It's unsanitary and won't actually get it clean. You need to use soap, you know.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week, take it from soup to nuts.
In previous weeks I've noticed you've been taking it from soup to maybe steak. Or, in that one case, from soup to slightly later in the soup.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Take no guff from anyone this week, you're your own person.
Stand up and be counted!
However, if the counter starts giving you guff, take off. Not taking guff takes precedence over being counted this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
The stars, possibly disturbed by the probe mingling with Saturn's rings, will decide to go on a rampant spree!
You remember when you were a kid, and you hated porridge? And then, all of a sudden, one day you woke up and it was all okay, and you liked porridge? That is what happened the last time the stars went on a rampant spree.
So you'd better stay indoors, lest you come out of the week with a craving, nay, a love for beef jerky.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
All I'm saying is that thing that arrived last week that you commandeered?
It had better arrive at the intended destination. Or there will be consequences.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This is just not your week.
You should return this week to Vlad Guillerimo, whose week it actually is.
If you're lucky, you may get it back by watching eBay and seeing if he decides to post it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Tattle not, lest ye be tattled on.
Ye will know wherefore of I speak on the day of Wednes.
Seriously, get out more this week and get off the role playing games. No one talks like that.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
<taunting voice>You have no horoscope, you have no horoscope...</taunting voice>
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Go slow this week.
Just take it easy. Eaaasy like Sunday morning, some might sing.
Others might not sing and just take the week easy, like we told 'em to.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Remember, it's only just June.
The stars will tell you what's in store for the Red Sox in August or so.
[Horoscopes. What NetHack Monster are you?]
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