Taurus April 20 - May 20
Do not trust the duck this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You, too, watch the duck.
By watch, of course, I mean don't trust it, not stare at it. Even ducks think staring is rude, after all.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Okay, and this goes for everyone, now: No Staring At The Ducks.
For you, specifically, if you could keep other people from staring at the ducks I would appreciate it. And I could maybe look the other way if you wanted to have a stare at the ducks later in the week.
Oh yeah, and it was good seeing you at the weekend.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will buy a new loaf of bread tomorrow morning.
You will find space for it in your bread storage area, and make some toast later in the week.
No jam. Just butter.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A man with seven wives with seven children will pass by you on the way to the Fair on Tuesday.
You might want to tell him the Fair went out of business a long time ago and is now a Wal-mart or something...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will shine this week, like a Vegas showgirl, all covered in glitter!
Just be careful not to get that stuff on the rug, it's really difficult to get out. Or so I hear, anyway.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are like a fish this week, all covered in slimy fish oils!
Little kids, should they be forced to lick you, will complain mightily.
Then again, you'll probably be complaining if a whole load of kids come up, trying to lick you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Ignore any warnings on boxes this week.
Bottle warnings you may still heed, but try and do it with a mildly bemused attitude.
Warning (not on a box, so don't worry): You may not survive the week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't let anger grow inside you this week. If you do you're bound to have some really bad situations.
Like this bouncer at this bar you're gonna hit on Thursday will totally haul off and knock your kneecaps, which you'll never have realised were so sensitive to just normal old leather-toed boots, what feels like halfway up your thigh.
Which will make you angry, hurt, and walking funny. And then some kids are going to make fun of you, all walking funny and everything, and there's not much you can do, what with your kneecaps in the middle of your thighs.
So I would try and avoid the anger this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You, well, you can just sit tight. I heard about that trick you pulled with the new, and somewhat crap horoscope guy last week...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Watch for falling ice and snow.
And polar bears. Those guys always sneak up on you, those crafty little buggers.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Oh yes. I'm back.
Feeling better. We had to sack that last kid, but I am now allowed to hire on an intern to work for me when I start feeling like I had been the last few weeks.
Oh, your week will be fine, I suppose.
[Horoscopes. If you're a fan of Jasper Fforde's (and you might be, you just don't know it yet), be sure to visit here. Or, at the very least, the special features for The Well of Lost Plots.]
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