Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beware. Your friends may not actually be your friends this week.
They may be Porcini mushrooms. Which sucks, because your boss has already told you if he catches you talking to the mushrooms again he's going to have to let you go.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're gonna get really wet in the rain Wednesday.
Even if the forecast says "no rain...", well, all I can say is, who do you trust? The stars and planets, or the weathermen?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Don't leave your dirty socks hanging around the living room because next thing you know they'll have fallen down behind the couch and you'll spend ages, three weeks down the road, trying to figure out what's causing that smell.
This isn't speaking from personal experience, this is from the stars, I swear.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your life is like a whirlwind this week.
A really small one, so don't worry about taping your windows or anything, but I would try to stay pretty far away from any valuable china or anything like that, you know?
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will have a very shocking Friday.
And you will post a letter on Saturday.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Someone may pressure you this week to give them a million dollars.
Don't give in. Whatever you do, don't give in.
Like, if you have a choice between dancing a sprightly little ballet number and giving them the million dollars, do the ballet thing.
Unless, of course, it's a friend of yours, asking to borrow £8.50, which, with the exchange rate, works out to around one million dollars (give or take).
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I will answer an email of yours sometime by the end of the week.
NB. This is not a guarantee, any more than us saying "You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger later this week" is a guarantee you'll run into Johnny Depp later in the week. Besides, we've heard Johnny Depp is short. And not a very good actor. Or maybe he is a good actor, but he's annoying, which counts as being a bad actor. Look, anyway, we're not here to talk actors. We're here to talk the future.
Michael J. Fox will stop by for a visit on Tuesday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Get that smirk off your face, immediately!
Great, but I didn't say "Simon Says." You forfeit your horoscope this week.
If you're going to be this careless with your horoscope we might as well take it away and give it to Scorpios or something.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I know I've been over this, but the root word of your sign is 'Libra', which means book. Isn't that nice?
If you like books, read a good one this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I almost upset the space-time continuum and gave you a horoscope there! Whew! Disaster averted, huh?
So. No space-time continuum disasters this week, anyway, that's cool, isn't it?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will take the last banana this week.
Not, like, the last banana, ever, but the last banana in the sense that now someone has to go to the store get more bananas.
Oh yeah, and when they get there they'll find it was really the last banana in your tri-state area.
Have back-up fruits on hand for them.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your lot is a boring one this week.
Try taking someone else's. Just make sure they aren't a Scorpio, because they have no lot. And a boring lot is better than no lot, any day.
[Horoscopes. Less than 10 days now... Why do these guys get all the luck?]
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