Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't deviate from your morals this week.
It's just not a good week, and we're not up for it again, to be honest with you. All that tsk-tsking and tut-tutting takes a lot of energy.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Stay true, and your heart will be true.
If you want to pick nits, if you stay false, being false may be considered being true for you, so either way you slice it your heart is bound to be true. Or at least double false. Which is, in fact, true. Which I thought we proved already quite well.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You have one wish this week, make it a good one.
Don't worry about wishing for a Patriots win on Sunday in the Superbowl.
Saturn implied it was in the bag...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
As you've a computer now, you figure you can count your chickens before they hatch, because if you're wrong then you can always download some program or another that'll re-count them for you.
This is the single most striking benefit of the 'Information Age' so far as you can tell this week.
Even though next week you'll see yet another, more striking example.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
As a precaution, Saturn recommends chucking a pinch or two of salt over your shoulder, that may correct that streak of bad luck you seem to be going through.
Sure, that may sound a little like some black magic thrown in with good hard gravity-based science, but you know, sometimes the old remedies work best.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are the best, better than all the rest...
Not just this week... all of them.
Tuesday will be an interesting afternoon for you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Bubbles. Whether or not you like Lawrence Welk, bubbles will be the thing that most defines your week.
So if you like your weeks defined (and you do, Jupiter says so), don't move around too much or anything, otherwise they'll be hither and thither and not very good at defining anything.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Opulence is the key to this week, the great big gold-encrusted key to this week.
Keep it on a chain or seven around your neck.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will have a selection of very funny-lookin' socks this week.
Try as I might, I couldn't figure out how this pertains to your week.
It may just be one of those things you need to take on faith. Or at face value. One of the two.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Still no horoscope, I'm afraid. And yes, I checked behind the couch.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You find you live in the armpit of America this week.
That's right, the world population of Sagittarii have up and moved to New Jersey.
So... Mars says clothespins are an old but effective means of stopping odd smells. (Apologies to the tourist board of New Jersey -- it's all mostly light-hearted joshing. Besides, you've just accrued one hell of a lot of new taxpayers.)
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will wake up for one week, and one week only * you will find you have the most beautiful partner/girlfriend/boyfriend in the entire world.
Beauty is, indeed, still in the eye of the beholder, but it is also heavily influenced by Mercury in retrograde.
*May not be one actual week, may encompass a good deal more weeks than that. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery. Do not exceed the recommended dosage. Mercury may or may not actually be in retrograde. Contents may have shifted in transit. Do not hold too close to eyes or nose and keep away from flame. You are one lucky bugger.
[Horoscopes. If you haven't seen it by now you haven't lived.]
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