Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week, against all odds, you will team up with the gorgonzola, your nemesis from last week.
Vegas had you at 10-1. So hopefully you were betting on yourselves to reconcile and join forces this week... you can spend the money together, even.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week is to mystery like last week was to peanut butter.
Which is to say you won't have any of it this week.
You may, however, have a FlufferNutter (tm) sandwich. Which, of course, contains peanut butter.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your neighbours have been bitten by a black widow spider, which had crawled out of the grapes the Belgians had been throwing.
The Belgians claim it was unintentional, but you tell them to tell it to a judge, as you're going to sue their collective butt.
They do, which doesn't help. The Belgians are very literal.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try taking up a new sport this week, it's the sort of season for it.
It's also the season for being jolly.
Be sure not to mix the two.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Butter is one of life's special ingredients.
Humans are made up of 96% butter, as a matter of fact.
Therefore, don't be surprised when life is a little slippery this week. And possibly rancid, if you leave it out in the sun.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Our palmistrist to the stars says that you were once a second cousin of Richie Rich in a past life.
This means, legally, you're entitled to a 'toon fortune!
You also were a clambake and a tuna melt, which, though they may not seem it, are highly regarded past lives to have lived, in many cultures.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I don't know why, but I think this may be your lucky month...
Oh wait, I do know why... I read it in the stars.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your phone will contain untold mysteries and surprises this week!
Be especially wary if your battery has died or you don't have a phone.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Shop shop shop till you drop drop drop!
Or until you drop someone else!
Invent a new sport this week: contact shopping! Most takedowns in the mall wins, okay?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Man (non-gender-specific, of course), you're probably pretty tired, right?
Right?
Right, so it's probably best you just go take a nap or something.
Because you've still got no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
So apparently, according to the stars, you're going to get a bit feisty this week.
Personally, I think they may have made a typo, and meant fiest-y, which means party-like, which, while it's like feisty, it's different in a very subtle way.
If you have a sombrero, now's the time to wear it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Try not to set fire to anything this week.
This means figuratively or literally.
Snowballs are Mother Nature's way of saying sorry.
So make sure you say sorry first, because it just sucks saying sorry second.
[Horoscopes. DUCK-HUNT!!!! Oh, and Pablo Picasso's new interview...]
|
