Taurus April 20 - May 20
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ehm, never mind.
Listen, stay in this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is a week of mystery this week.
It will bear a striking resemblance to the special 'mystery meat' of school lunches past, in that it's probably got a little bit of minced beef, hot dog, and a third, as yet unidentified meat-like product in it.
Bon appétit!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Belgium start with the heavy artillery, which turns out to be grapes.
Now, if this sounds wimpy, wait until Thursday or so. The sound of a few thousand grapes pelting down against your window pane can be pretty scary.
Like Tauri, you should also stay in this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Okay, and we're back!
So Mercury spinning round your third quadrant makes you a little dizzy, and it's a good idea to sit down, before you get sick or something.
Venus in your second house of Finance doesn't mean much, it's just a good idea to keep tabs on Venus, lest it get up to no good behind your back.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Wow, there are a lot of people staying in this week.
Maybe it's the place to be. You know, the place to be and the place to be seen, if you know what I mean.
Or not. It could just mean it's going to be really crowded inside.
Go for a long walk this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are about to receive a hug.
There are sometimes in life when you have to know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away, and when to run. And then there are other times you have to know when to put certain things in a white wash, and others in a coloured wash.
This week will not be any of those times.
This week you will need to know when to reveal your deepest, darkest secret.
You know, the one about your burping talents.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week will be incredibly cinematic for you.
Unfortunately, if you don't get to the front of the queue quickly you're going to get stuck with the Reservoir Dogs-style week.
Or even worse, you may get The Sound of Music...
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your stars are much more confident of you guessing the number this week, but we're not playing that game this week.
This week we're playing chess!
The stars, unfortunately, aren't too interested in chess.
Libra September 23 - October 22
After hanging up the mysterious red phone in your back room what you always had thought was a bookshelf swings open to reveal what looks like a fireman's pole leading... well, down.
And you can't help but think whomever it was, who kept asking for Bruce, had the wrong number.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So here's a good way to deal with depression at not having a horoscope:
1) ...
Actually, I can't think of anything.
Man, that sucks.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I hope you're wearing those comfortable shoes.
You will be surprised, and gain a newfound respect for people who actually chose to become door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen, by the end of the week.
Actually, when someone tries throwing a poker from the fire at you, that's when you'll be both surprised and gain the newfound respect (even though the respect may be processed at a later point by your mind).
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will send someone an iCard this week.
Other than that... I don't know, why don't you look around, and survey life or something.
To do a really good job of it, try picking up one of those surveyors tripod things they've got.
[Horoscopes. Niiiice. I want one...]
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