Taurus April 20 - May 20
Now with a little pep.
If last week was a happy whistling time, this week is a peppy one.
I find the world often misses out on a bit of pep all too easily. It's the first thing to go, you know.
So keep it up.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Leave no stone unturned this week.
And you'd better get a move on, there are a lot more stones out there than you might have thought.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Why do the stars always tell me something about vegetables for Virgos? I swear, we'll never know.
Unless, of course, it's revealed in the zodiac, in which case we will know, because, well, that's our job.
And we swear we'll tell you, first thing.
In the meantime, we heard asparagus tips are in your future...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Life may have delivered a four door sedan at your doorstep last week.
It unfortunately misunderstood it's mission, and apologises for the inconvenience, but it must have the car back this week, or you shall have to pay penalties.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I don't want any lip from you this week, or no dessert for you.
Save the whales this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
While a heart to heart talk will strengthen a bond, it still won't be nearly as effective as super glue. Or even regular glue.
So for bonds with people: heart to heart talk. For bonds of, like, making sure the bars of a bear cage stay together: super glue.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You can stop running now.
Yep, we've thrown 'em off the scent by chucking your shoes in the river.
If you haven't been running because you killed a man in Reno... ehm, well, err... if you're looking for your shoes they might be in the river... don't know how they got there...
Aries March 21 - April 19
Look, I'm only going to tell you once: "Jimmy, shimmy shimmer shamble."
And not again, you hear me?
If you can't hear me it may be due to a defective headphone jack in your week... please let a stewardess know at your earliest convenience.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your tendency to always pick the bad seed out in a crowd really lands you in it this week when you get set up on a blind date with Attila the Hun, who had been cryogenically frozen back in 453.
He was recently thawed, and anxious to get back out on the scene.
It's not so much his manners that make things difficult, but the awkward silences.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You so have not a single hope of getting even a smidgen of a horoscope this week.
Oh, all right. A tiny little smidgen.
You will receive... oh nothing. Forget about it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're going to very popular in Japan this week.
This is due to Neptune's influence and your collection of little cartoon rabbits.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is either an excellent week to take up flying lessons or a good week to garden.
Don't let common sense dictate your week: show your spirit by bucking common sense and really letting your hair down!
(Just be careful letting your hair down near open flames.)
[Horoscopes. Thus endeth CARS little saga thingo.]