Taurus April 20 - May 20
Heeeeeeelloo Dolly!
As you might have guessed, we found our horoscope-readin' eyes again this week!
And you might have guessed because you are eerily prescient this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If someone comes up to you and offers you carrot cake, by all means, take it.
Even if you don't like it you can always sell it on for a profit.
Take this allegorically or literally, depending on actual ingredient of carrot cake in your week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Happy birthday to you!
As a special birthday present, we had Saturn make the Red Sox win on Monday night.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will receive tidings of great joy this week.
You will also get a lot of junk mail.
However, the tidings are in there, so don't throw it all out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There's something different about you this week...
Oh wait, you're trying to see if we really know our stuff, aren't you?
Okay, okay.
You're thinking about peanut butter. And Kylie Minogue. Next!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are far too beautiful.
And this week it really gets you into trouble, because eight out of ten nations in NATO declare you far too beautiful (their emphasis), and ban you from appearing in their countries.
Luckily, a consensus in NATO doesn't mean anything any more, because otherwise you'd be in for a life on the run in neutral countries!
Zoot alors!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
For all the jokes people make about wildebeests, they seem a lot less funny when an angry one has cornered you in your very own living room.
This is why, a few weeks ago, I advised keeping tranquiliser guns in the corners of your living room.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Instead of just stopping to sniff the roses, you could also stop and pick up that old lady you just knocked over, you know.
Libra September 23 - October 22
As much as you might like the pair of trousers you were thinking about this morning, don't wear them out this week, it's just not that sort of club, I tell you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So.
How's the counseling going?
Because if you're not going, you should be, this long without a horoscope can really damage a person.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This week you have an uncanny ability to balance coins on the tip of your nose.
Go on, try it.
Try even smaller coins, go on.
All I'm saying is you'd better show your friends now, because with Mercury in a declining phase, this talent isn't bound to last long.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're getting fat.
Seriously. Lay off the potato crisps.
This is a warning from Mercury, who is slightly worried you might be influencing more people than itself, with the newly rotund size of your gravitational field.
[Horoscopes. And the awards are in!]
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