Taurus April 20 - May 20
Whew, so that's over.
You've got a little bit of chocolate on your face, there.
Leo July 23 - August 22
No, I'm not going to explain what happened to me last week.
So don't ask.
You will be too busy with the swarm of locusts that infest your house to ask what happened to me last week.
Still, it saves on... well, I was going to say air-conditioning costs, but it doesn't really, all those locusts get quite hot, really. So it saves on heating costs, I suppose.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Unless you want to send, oh, I don't know... homemade cookies?
If you sent those then we might consider explaining what happened last week.
Remember, we're in based Los Gatos, CA now, for all your postal goods. Cookies shipped via London, New York City, Poughkeepsie, Worcester, or Dublin will take considerably longer to get to the Head Editor and the Horoscopes Writer and will result in pretty unhappy persons of the aforementioned.
Saturn says, after much consultation, that you may just be baking cookies, anyway, this week. Coincidence or science?
We think you know the answer to that.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Hey, if that seaweed creature from last week did steal all your cookies, pop round here, Virgo might be sending us some cookies.
Bring a salad and maybe some chicken wings and we can have a cookout/picnic kind of thing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have been to the gym, haven't you?
Mercury predicts that you'll have the hardest body on the planet by the end of the week... the only way you could get any harder is if you were petrified.
In the turned-into-rock sense of the word, not in the really scared sense of the word.
Of course, because you've been working out so much it's hard to imagine you scared of anything.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be going surfing this week, at a beach, where they have rocks, small and big ones. And seaweed. Very pretty seaweed and kelp.
And as for the seventy million snoops reading horoscopes for other signs would you please follow the rules of the International Board of Horoscopes and Caesar Salads*?
* Namely, rule 156: Thou shalt not read other sign's horoscopes, not even Scorpios', which isn't technically a horoscope, they having been disqualified under rule 121.
By the way, you will win a million euro/dollars/pounds at the slot machines this week.
You, the cute Cancer, not the snoopers.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Wow. That kid with the tea leaves is good.
We here at Sane Magazine hearby apologise for causing the blackout on the East Coast last week.
This week you will get power restored and a band of circus monkeys will overthrow your government.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A rabbi, a priest, a TV evangelist walk into a bar this week.
Unfortunately, you're in that bar.
And the adventures you have are only just beginning.
The priest buys you a whiskey and water to celebrate.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A large-ish brown-wrapped package is sitting in your inbox, err, mailbox, this week. You see, the Mob isn't so up on tech... or at least the branch you applied to isn't.
And so, after weeks of waiting for your decoder ring/Mob membership, there it sits. And it's not a letter from the Publisher's Clearing House, like the one you got later last week that got you all in a tizzy.
So you get your grubby fingers all over it (specially grubbied up because you thought that would make you a more authentic henchperson) and hurry on home to open it up in the privacy of your own kitchen.
And, with the television turned low, and the phone off the hook (with a pillow shoved over the receiver when it starts to make the BRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOO noise it makes when you leave it off the hook too long), you slide a knife under the flap and open up the envelope...
...
And you're in!!!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nice shoes.
While you are looking at your shoes we get on to reading Sagittarius' horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will go see a fortune teller later this week.
Which is a bit of slap in the face, to be honest, so we're not going to tell you what else we saw for later this week.
So there.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Oh hey, why not, you deserve it, you will go surfing this week, too.
And your lifelong dream of being a cattle rustler comes true.
Well, if you substitute cattle for papers and rustling for, well, stapling, which is a form of rustling, then your dream comes true.
[Horoscopes. The stars are going out? That sucks. Well, you can quit your job, anyway.]
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