Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are so incredibly... busy, this week.
This at least makes for interesting conversation when someone asks you "and what's up with you" on Thursday and Friday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're probably sun-tanned right now.
This, I would argue, is not fair.
To which you'd probably say nothing, being all sun-tanned and smug and in a blissful, non-argumentative state.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Read a book this week.
Preferably not anything by a politcal figure.
Or their ghost writers, as certain dictionary definitions of politicians involve illiterate lobotimised monkeys.
You can pick up that dictionary at any fine book store near you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be blessed with formica trees in your backyard, when you wake up on Thursday.
This is good news from both a raking point of view and in light of that plan you had to start up a kitchen design shoppe.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be your own man or woman this week.
Don't be, like, your nephew's chew toy or anything.
If your nephew is two or three, this may be harder than you might imagine.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are beautiful, no matter what they say.
Unless they say you're beautiful. Ehm, in which case, you're still beautiful.
So I suppose that first statement was true: beautiful, no matter what they say.
Your week involves getting your butt whupped (whooped, in certain dialects) in tennis.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you don't have any place to put a large ficus plant, I recommend not going into town to do some shopping on Tuesday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The elusive wood shrew will pay a visit to your week.
They will be refused admittance when they only have pesetas on them.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Duuuuuuude!
Woot!
You'll catch a great week this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Heeeeeey. Wanna earn a dollar?
No? How about a horoscope?
Go fetch me a paper and a six pack from the corner shop, and you've got a deal.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Walk! Walk as fast as you caaaaaaaaaaaan!
Why?
I don't know. I think Saturn just wants to see some fast walking.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hey hey, what do you know, it was just Platonic, the thing the oil companies had for you!
So this week you just sort of sit, moping around the house, wondering why they don't call any more.
(Just kidding, no moping. Well, not much, anyway.)
[Horoscopes. Hmm... choices... the bay or... not the bay?]
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