Taurus April 20 - May 20
Belly rings are not for everyone.
So when you're offered that job where you have to stand around in the street and attempt to persuade people to buy one (or two) of your firm's belly rings, you might just want to pass, like.
Unless you like attempting to touch as many people's bellies as possible, whether they're hostile to it or not.
Leo July 23 - August 22
I've heard the faintest whisperings of a rumour that jelly shoes are about to come back into fashion...
So get digging! This is your chance to be out in front with this fashion wave!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The faintest whisperings I'm hearing for you this week all seem to involve peanut butter.
Or it may just be Mercury reciting the Peter Piper tongue twister and getting it wrong... you'd be surprised how often it does that.
Wear a shawl this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You have an undeniable craving, a deep, dark hunger, burning inside you.
So do we really have to tell you what to do?
Yes?
Okay, fine.
Buy. More. Fish. Fingers.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will get your sticky fingers stuck in a pot of honey this week, prompting some guy to leap out from behind a tree and shout "Ha!"
And that's it, really. You're assuming that other pot nearby is filled with vinegar, for some reason.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You're not so boring, after all!
Recent studies show that 62% of people out there are more boring than yourself.
If you wish to reproduce these statistics you must first obtain permission from the Gartner Group (tm).
A typo almost had you having to obtain persimmons from the Gartner Group (tm, still), which might have confused their normal receptionist, who would have then had to forward you on to their persimmons division.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Due to last week's advice, you probably didn't eat an unwanted lizards!
Yet another win for the Sane Magazine horoscopes!
This week you're on your own, though.
You will be getting two mysterious guests from the West quite soon. Oooooh.... ahhhhh.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Glitter, you'll note, sticks around for much, much longer than the period during which it is a fun and interesting addition to a wardrobe.
In fact, many astrophysicists have whole laboratories dedicated to glitter-persistence theory.
You might consider applying at one, to see if they've a mechanism for removing your abundance from last week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You'll notice that the stars are laid out at night like a load of small jellyfish smushed up all over the shore... like in Capitola.
"Which one inspired the other?" you probably wonder.
This would be a classic chicken and the egg problem, if it involved chickens and/or eggs, but it doesn't, it's jellyfish and stars.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You're back to no horoscope this week, and barely an acknowledgment from the stars.
It's a bit like job-hunting in Silicon Valley these days. Umm, if you replace 'stars' with 'companies.' And replace... no, that's it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will have giggle lines all over your face this week.
These are similar to laughter lines, only they don't come from giggling a lot.
They usually appear when you've slept on a crease in the pillow or something. They're so named because small children (and other, larger people) giggle at you for having lines all over your face.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will have to bear much responsibility this week.
Unfortunately, you never got the much power that usually precedes much responsibility.
No, you just got basket of wolf cubs dropped off at your door with a note that read: "If you've read this note, you have responsibility for these wolf cubs lives. They require feeding and burping nine times a day. And if you haven't read this note, please attempt to return them, C.O.D. On which point they'll be returned to you by a rather large man named Stub, employed by our company for just such occasions, such as when people are lying about having not read the note."
Those of you that got overly excited, that's not golf clubs...
[Horoscopes. For when the Finder pisses you off... Also in the news, eWeek continues... ehm, reporting.]
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