Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your insistence to that little kid in the street this week that there is no boogie man may have been more for your benefit than his, don't you think?
You're getting too obsessive, you thought we said you'd be found in iTunes Square last week... or maybe that might be us.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Someone's come over and changed the locks on your secret cabinet that you used to keep all your secret Masonic papers and books in.
And that's not even the worst bit: the worst bit is that you think they're using the storage space for vegetables that just won't fit in their own crispers at home. The fiends!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
When I said little huffy last week I wasn't referring to the bicycle, popular with kids in the 80s for riding up over dirt mounds and jumping over potholes and doing paper routes and that sort of thing.
Or maybe I was. It wasn't me, anyway, it was Mercury, and Mercury is always on about how much it wants a bike, even though it's not really done anything at all to deserve one.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week you shall have all the post your heart desires.
It just may be a lot of junk mail. Wordy, well-written junk mail, but junk mail, nonetheless.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Any motive you might have this week is completely and utterly transparent.
This makes it very difficult to keep track of them, because you keep losing the damn things every time you put one down.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Aw, look, now, there's no need to blush. Stop it, really.
C'mon, knock it off or I'm going to get pissed off and come over there and beat you sense... oh, that's a sunburn. Ah, I see.
That's a harsh bikini line, there...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Just in case you've stapled yourself to anything from last week, remember that experiment that you may or may not have done in school (but have probably heard about one way or another) where you drop a penny in a glass of a certain soft drink? And the penny dissolves?
Yeah, that was a cool experiment.
Aries March 21 - April 19
There is o going back.
Look at it go! Go o, go!
Be careful of your typos this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I have news for you, buddy, if you think you can just waltz in here like that and expect people to listen to you...
They won't. Not until you stop waltzing, it's just too damn hard to follow someone getting all spinny like that.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You, toodlee, toodle-ee oooo,
have no horoscope-eh-lee-dope!
Sing along now!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Watch out for spiny Libras who may have misread their horoscope this week.
Spiny horntoads, I think, aren't dangerous.
I think. They may be, but I seem to remember some class lecture a long time ago about an animal that looked dangerous but wasn't really so dangerous at all. And it may have been a toad.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
"Only the bleu cheese eats at quarter to seven, but the monkey is a jolly fellow."
This is your password for the week. You know where to use it.
And this time, wear trousers, for the love of all that's holy and good.
[Horoscopes. Up up and away!]
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