Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is a miserable horoscope.
Probably because Saturn is a bit bored with all the nice weather and everything and really just wanted to louse something up.
A plague of very large gnats will infest your kitchen. Saturn's not subtle, really.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You have pie on your face.
For pete's sake, take it easy on the pie this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
While investigating a peculiar smell in the basement you find a cache of pirate's gold, which is only slightly peculiar smelling!
Hurray!
You will be sorely tempted to buy an ice cream truck and park it in the driveway full-time. You may want to consider not running the ice cream truck bells all the time, though, just a bit of advice for your own sanity.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You should drink more juice, you know.
Not only will it give you a nice healthy sheen it will also introduce you to a tall, dark stranger when you stop in the juice aisle this week to pick up a bottle or two and run into a tall, dark stranger.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Keep fit this week.
Especially as you never know when someone will offer you a chance to renegotiate your salary based on the amount of weight you can bench press.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be quite slippery this week. Slippery smooth.
~A smooth operator~, you might be tempted to sing.
Go on away with you now, go like oil yourself up, you'll be just like a little greased pig.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Buy a fishbowl, right, take it, put it in an empty room in the house.
If you haven't an empty room, just shove a lot of stuff out of one room and into the hallway, or a neighbour's house or something.
Let it sit there, if there's a door to the now empty room (barring the fishbowl), close it.
Leave it that way for a week. At the end of the week, open the door.
What do you see in the fishbowl?
Do you see three hundred pounds in cash? No, you don't, because money doesn't grow in fishbowls, either.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You empathise with monkeys this week.
Empathising does not mean you can eat all the bananas in the kitchen, however, especially if you didn't buy them, because other people may have liked to have a banana as well.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't get cross with other people this week, especially when you're driving around.
It's far better to not get cross and just hope there is some sort of universal karma-like balancing force that will smite those people that could have potentially made you cross, had you not been following our advice.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You so don't have much of a horoscope this week.
Not a whole lot of change, then, is there?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Ahh! Look out, marmoset!
Ha ha, just kidding, that was last week, remember?
This week, remember, a penny saved is a penny earned. Unless you're a betting type, in which case you probably lost it in the fifth race at Suffolk Downs.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
"Hawk-eye", people are calling you this week.
You desperately need to work on enunciating your words better.
[Horoscopes. Read Pattern Recognition yet?]
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