Taurus April 20 - May 20
And thou shalt come down from the mountain on the third day, and ye shall rejoice and say, "Wow, I shalt never forget to pack enough beef jerky next time."
And thus it was so.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Yay, though ye walk through the valley of the shadow of death, at least thee aren't running through it, like Pisces, who shalt verily be out of breath by the end of the valley.
And lo, there was an ice cream van, as well, selling treats in the middle of the valley, and that was okay.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Unto the people ye shall summon a great thing, and ye shall call it... Shmagincourt.
And the people shall stand about you and say, "Ahh."
And then you shall tell them to get back to what they were doing, as it isn't quite finished yet.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Speaketh the wise person, "Eat once, and ye eat to be full.
Eat twice, and ye shalt not enter a swimming pool for at least half an hour after finishing."
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Yea, and be the hour late, thou shalt wait up until all hours further for the sign.
Though ye know not what the sign is, exactly, apparently thou will knowest it by its' hairy eyes and slightly smelly breath.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Be thee not a tiger this week.
And on the fourth day, ye shall emerge triumphant from the bath and people shall ask ye, "What took ye so long in the bathtub?"
Thou art golden.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Forsooth, the wise Leo hails you, but you shall not hear, because though runneth too fast.
Do thee not look over thy shoulder, lest thee hit a pothole and fall, verily.
Aries March 21 - April 19
With that, a great noise doth hold forth from the big house at the end of the street, and yea, I would not walk by that way unless ye really really have a good reason to do so.
If I were thee.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The wrath of twelve kinds of monkeys will inhabit thy dreams this week.
Fortuitous, then, it is, that they be the less flea-ridden monkeys for thee and thy bedsheets.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Thee hast no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sinners in the hands of an angry god doth wriggle and squirm, thou take care to note, as an angry god walketh down the street past thee as thou werest out shopping on Thursday.
The angry god was quite short, thee also noted.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Hellfire and brimstone, do not tempt Fate by saying thou are nost sick in a public forum, lest ye be struck down by sickness the very next week.
Ye eejit.
[Horoscopes. Happens everywhere.]
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