Taurus April 20 - May 20
Bamboo features heavily in your week... because you appear to be trapped in the jungle with all the other horoscope signs!
The little bits of metal that hold the bamboo stalks that make up your 'cell' together are pretty sharp. You find this out after trying to get the guards attention by rapping your fingers against the bars.
A Leo looks over at you smugly.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The Taurus whom you've looked over at seems confused by your smug look, after all, you're trapped in the jungle, and behind your own set of bamboo bars.
You just keep on grinning, sitting there contentedly, hoping they don't notice you're holding your hands tightly to your shorts (at least you're dressed for the jungle), with the smallest amount of blood from your own hands leaking through.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Ignoring the two inmates nearby, which would appear to be the sensible thing to do, the bamboo shoots look suspiciously like the kind you can buy down at the gardening shop in the outdoor section for building fences and that sort of thing.
You might even guess that the surprise ending of the horoscope this week is that you actually are in a gardening center instead of, say, the jungle.
Maybe locked up by some insane Pisces, hell-bent on locking up all the star signs in a gardening center until their demands are met!
When the monkeys start throwing bananas at you, however, and mashed banana through a bamboo cage makes a horrible mess, you begin to doubt it, though.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You try throwing a few bananas at the Virgo across the way, to try and get in good with the monkeys.
And do you know what? It feels good. Who could have known throwing bananas at someone could feel so good?
Well, you, after this week.
The monkeys begin to notice something out of the ordinary, though, and the resulting deluge of mushed banana has a dampening effect on your enthusiasm. Much better to give than receive, and all that...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There are some massive bugs in the jungle.
You keep marveling at their size as you walk along your own fenced-in bamboo area until what you originally think is the largest bug of all falls out of a tree and nearly crushes you!
The size of a person, a medium-sized-ish person, the orange and white stripes, the claws, and the fairly sharp-looking mouth make you decide that maybe large bugs aren't so bad after all, when you're faced with a tiger... you use a nearby Libra as a step-up and manage to make it into a tree, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, to the casual observer, seeing as how the tiger that almost squashed you came out of the tree, but there you go.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You're having way too much fun, trapped in the jungle.
Get that tiger suit off, this instant.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A tiger whizzes through the trees above you, so you spend the next few hours crouching down in the leafy undergrowth at the base of the trees.
Until you remember that jungles and rain forests don't typically have undergrowth, that's fungus!
Leaping up upon this realisation perhaps wasn't the most well-thought out plan, as a flying Cancerian tiger above whacks into your head as it's traveling a bit lower this pass round, and you wind up losing your balance and flopping down in the middle of the fungus and a small squishy jungle animal that reacts badly to being squished and it bites into your leg as it's final act.
Aries March 21 - April 19
While out picking mushrooms you wind up picking a Pisces, which causes you to spend the rest of your term in the jungle humming the "Peter picked a peck of..." nursery rhyme thing.
This is annoying enough behaviour to keep any banana-throwing monkeys away from you. Which is possibly a first, in these horoscopes.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Somebody bolts over your poor dear head and bounds into a nearby tree.
Which isn't at all good for your head, as it's quite stuffed up. Jungle air just doesn't suit you, you decide.
Nevermind the fact that an Aries stuffed a few of the smaller jungle bugs up your nose while you took a snooze.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
There is no jungle.
There are, in particular, no bananas today.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You get the dubious honour being the star sign that gets to wrestle wild boars.
You, ehm, don't win. They're wild boars, after all. And the monkeys keep throwing bananas at you, which always hurts your concentration.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
At long last you get to try out your Tarzan impression this week!
Unfortunately there's no water in your cell, like. Well, no water in pools large enough to jump into majestically. Instead you look slightly foolish standing around, splashing in a puddle slightly larger than your foot in a leopard print bathing suit.
[Horoscopes. What does this guy have against Worcester? Damnit.]
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