a forecast for 02 December - 08 December

Taurus April 20 - May 20
The hills will be alive with the sound of music this week (and weekend).
This would be a very good reason to stay out of the hills for a little while, until things settle down.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Your new haircut violently offends a small middle Western dictatorship, who declares war on your hometown.
This is probably not going to win you citizen of the year (unless your hometown is in Texas, and the other residents had been looking for an excuse to shoot their guns off at someone).

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn says your week will contain the slightest smidgen of hope that you'll at long last win the lottery, even if you don't tend to play it.
About as much of a smidgen of hope if you played it every week (every day, if they had a drawing every day).
You will buy a ukulele with your winnings, you decide, should you win.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your upstairs neighbour is seen entering their flat with a load of ukulele books and peripherals.
This is, indeed, the week you've been dreading.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your home will be infested by the wrath of a hundred thousand frogs this week.
I have no idea why this has happened. I'm not even sure what the wrath of a hundred thousand frogs looks like (so I may stop by, if you don't mind). Mercury is looking smug, though.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Hugh, your talking chimp adopted son, is quite upset with you this week, as you seem to have developed an affection for shrews (of all types) and he's feeling neglected.
This isn't entirely bad (not to sound like a bad parent or anything), as Hugh doesn't throw his own feces around when he's upset with you, whereas when he's quite happy that tends to be his most common way of showing his happiness, as the walls of the local theme park rides can attest after the time you took him down there.
Anyway, you spend the week shopping, to avoid both the guilt of a sulking chimp and because you really like shopping. Actually, Hugh isn't even really that upset (though he has stopped the feces chucking), you just wanted an excuse to get out of the house and shop.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Nice socks.
Jupiter looked like they had something else to say, but have since been staring at their own feet, so I'm guessing that's it for your week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Talking crabs turn out to be quite vindictive, you find, when you're fighting off a squadron of pissed off seahorses.
Apparently you offended the crab with your taste in music and he told the seahorses you thought species in which the male carried the babies were an evolutionary deadend. That'll piss 'em off everytime, really.

Libra September 23 - October 22
A bird in the toaster is worth a stick in the eye.
Especially if the bird is someone's pet, and they catch you sticking it in the toaster.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
***bzzzzt**** bzzzzzzzzzzzt****
Testing, testing, is this thing on?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Look behind the fridge for that all important self-respect you seem to have lost.
This is strictly metaphorical. Part of the challenge of this week will be to find your metaphorical fridge.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will wander the Earth for thirty seven years after your death, seeking to avenge. Just avenging in general, for all sorts of stuff, like a college kid with nothing to do on a Saturday and no official protests scheduled.
After that you'll get to sit down, which'll feel quite good, you imagine, even if you had been wearing comfortable shoes the whole time.
This doesn't help you much this week, though, in which an angry hippo prevents you from going to work Tuesday through Friday.

[Horoscopes. Ho ho ho. The iPod one is worth watching...]