Taurus April 20 - May 20
Okay, you caught me out with last week's horoscopes: I just couldn't remember how the rest of that 'pease pudding' rhyme went, so I ended it prematurely.
We apologise profusely for any inconvenience caused by our poor memory.
You can have pasta this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Get on up, get on up. Get on the scene.
And while you're up, get someone a beer, as well. If you don't drink (alcohol), you can always just get peanuts, maybe a glass of water or something.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Get down with yo' bad self.
You will meet a Leo going in the opposite direction.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A hole in the space-time continuum opens up and closes in your living room.
You don't notice anything different except your popcorn smells funny, if you decide to have some. Would you have decided to have popcorn if it hadn't opened up? The world will never know.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're sitting on someone's coat this week.
You need to watch where you're sitting.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Life is not handed to people on a silver platter, you know?
For one thing, it's far too big. For the other, what the hell would you do with it once you got it?
It's not like it makes a good gag or sincere gift. A car on a platter could be feasible, though...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Dead men tell no tales, though there have been stories of dead women hanging on to tell a few good ones.
This knowledge will help you this week, believe it or not. And will bring the sober reality that violence will not help you when Fran Drescher moves in next door to you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars caught you throwing a penny in a well and wishing on that, instead of waiting around for the stars to come out.
They're quite annoyed.
As a result, the plans you had for this week are thrown a little bit when Portuguese pirates kidnap you and sell you into slavery in Detroit.
Libra September 23 - October 22
At the airport in locker 361 you'll find your instructions for the week.
That and a bit of my dirty laundry. If you could return the laundry to locker 362 it'd be much appreciated.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A shot rang out.
Followed by a scream.
You still have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There are weeks where you're inclined to sit in a park somewhere and stare at the clouds and wonder, "Why? Why am I here? What does it all mean?"
The stars always laugh at you when you do that.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Ants are coming this way!
You already have begun digging a moat to be filled with oil around your house before you think to ask whether they're metaphorical ants or real ants.
The moat annoys your downstairs neighbours no end.
[Horoscopes. Watch out for those book gangs next time you're in New York.]
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