Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you are a traveling Taurus this week you'll find that cost-cutting measures seem to involve airlines making the seats three times smaller than they used to be.
In an interesting physics experiment, you'll be baffled by the position of one knee with regards to the position of the seat in front of you, particularly when the person occupying it leans back.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Personal growth is a good thing.
Take up a hobby this week, preferably one away from matches, since you've had yours confiscated this week for an incident with a cat and three gallons of petrol and your little brother.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Like a hummingbird you will flit from thing to thing this week, and documentaries will be made about the incredible number of times a second your wings flap.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
That gum remains ineluctably stuck to the bottom of your shoe this week, as well. It chooses to adhere to the floor, as well, at the most inopportune times.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You seem to be drooling all over your nice new jumper, stop it.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your feet will be incredibly warm this week.
This may be due to a hot water bottle, this may be due to something else, I won't (or can't) go into detail without ruining it. Here's a hint: It doesn't involve water buffalo.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Killer gasworks-shaped robots from just the north side of the river will march on the city.
This will put a slight damper on your plans for the week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The jub jub tree bangles and jangles this way and that.
This will make your week incredibly bendy, sort of like one of those rubber people with little metal pose-able bits stuck all through them.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You will spend Friday in the Post Office.
Not for any particular reason, you'll just find yourself oddly unable to leave. Whether or not you remember how you got there in the first place depends on whether or not you have bran for breakfast that morning.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
What does the new year hold in store for you? Could it possibly be? A horoscope!
Maybe? Pleeease?
Well, probably not, judging on the past four or five years, but there's always hope, as Emily Dickinson would probably say if she were still around and able to talk.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Venus says go out and get yourself some new shoes.
You have a sneaking suspicion Venus is a bit drunk.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will face great obstacles this week. Especially if you have to travel.
They will be in the form of devious little people, often called 'kids' for their sly cunning and innate ability to whack you in the shins with metal objects on wheels.
This will all be okay, though. In the end, I suppose.

[Horoscopes. Awww, how sweet. (Erm, Mac OS X required for this to be terribly interesting.) Support your local shareware guys and keep up to date with Sane Magazine all at once.]