Taurus April 20 - May 20
A change is gonna come, as they say, this week.
They normally just say the 'a change is gonna come' bit, they're usually quite unspecific and most definitely unhelpful when it comes to saying exactly when that change'll be comin' round, so this is slightly more helpful than what 'they' say.
The change, thankfully, does not involve George W. Bush becoming your live-in lover. Which is another case in which we're more specific than that nebulous 'they'.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You begin to think Java-enabled devices are a bad thing when your stereo begins to refuse to play any of your music.
When it insults your taste in clothing (though it may have had a point, with the paisley), that's the end of the line, and you'll gain a Java-enabled embedded cement block propping up your garden tools.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Well, we're still hoping you've got a load of hyper-intelligent chimpanzees reading these to you this week.
Try getting them to feed you grapes, that's always interesting, especially if they're like the hyper-intelligent chimpanzees I've seen.
If you still haven't received your cheque and hyper-intelligent chimpanzees, try buying a bunch of grapes (or bundles or gaggle or however they're known when one or more grapes get together in a group) and whipping them at people passing by your house. Peeling them and whipping them at people pretty much simulates what the chimpanzees do with them, too. Try it and you'll see why I think it's so cool.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You're beginning to think your membership in the Knights Templar is a bit of a sham. Why, you ask?
Well, for a start, you don't feel a whole lot more intelligent and knowing abouts the ways of the world.
And when you ring up Jennifer Lopez or David Hasselhoff (whose numbers you get from the special booklet you get with your membership, and according to your preference, obviously, my deepest apologies, ladies) and tell them to "hop to" they do nothing of the sort. In fact, they pretend like they don't even know who Jennifer Lopez or David Hasselhoff are. And sound quite a bit like your mum, come to think of it...

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This would appear to be the horoscope at which I get stuck this week, like a flounder without a tin of baked beans.
There is a decidedly lemon tang to your week.
Note that that is not Tang^(tm), the drink popularied by astronauts and such-like of the 1980s, but tang. Because we all know Tang^(tm) was supposed to be orange flavoured, or something.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you're feeling really ambitious this week you might want to start throwing up your Christmas decorations.
That would be 'throwing up' in the sense of tossing them casually. Err. Like with a throwing motion. Not in any other senses we may have inadvertantly or intentionally (who knows, maybe we're devious) brought to your mind with any of the preceding descriptions.
Belgium will refuse to acknowledge your existence this week.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Saturn in your sign this week causes you to have the wildest craving for creatures (edible, of course) made out of jelly. To eat. Though, of course, jelly-creatures are predisposed to be squished, rolled around ones fingers, bounced off the table, to the chagrin of those other people sharing the table with you and un-armed, themselves, with jelly-creatures. So of course you're free to play with them a bit before eating them, unless barred from doing so according to any special statutes of any NATO agreements that you may find yourself falling under.
This is despite the fact that, when questioned, Saturn professes they were no where near your sign this week.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your homemade television (made out of spare monkey parts, tree bark, and a mango, or something you thought a mango would look like) catches fire, due to faulty wiring and a parrot and you spend Wednesday watching flaming former television parts and leaves rain down on the rhinocerous, who manages an un-rhinocerous-like puzzled expression.
You scramble to another, less burnt part of the tree. A few monkeys that have become quite attached to you (not literally) follow.

Libra September 23 - October 22
You're about as subtle as a bag of nails during a rain storm this week.
What this means is anyone's guess, though I'm suspecting it's something you'd rather not be too close to.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like a deep, deep river, or perhaps like an ocean, one of the really deep ones, immeasurable in it's depths (the river or the ocean), with warm currents of air occasionally sniffling overhead, you also do not have a horoscope. Still.
Not sure where depth comes into it, but hey, I don't have to explain it to you, you don't have a horoscope.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Out of spite, you'll lock yourself out of your house this week.
Of course, if you'd put more thought into it you might consider showing your spite in a manner that allowed you to stay indoors, and perhaps let the intended receiver of your spite know you were spiting them (not to be confused with smiting them, lest this get violent).
What you can think of, sitting on your cool-ish, possibly damp flagstones, is that spite is spelled very similarly to 'spit'.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A week that starts out promising enough will start to spiral downhill on Monday afternoon with your water from the water cooler tasting a bit stale-ish to the grand finale on Saturday morning, during the course of which you get impaled by one of the Spice Girls at a rock benefit you're supposed to attend, in the hopes that it will revive your dead pop career that never was.
While you may think being impaled by a Spice Girl couldn't be all bad, let me tell you. It hurts. A lot.

[Horoscopes. The universal language...]