Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week will taste slightly of iron.
You take advice from Milli and Vanilli and blame it on the rain.
Which is made out of hydrogen and oxygen (and a bit of soot and other assorted things), but not iron, so it's sort of a leap of faith, on your part.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Happy birthday or thereabouts!
Your experiments with electricity finally come to fruition this week. Surprisingly, not many people are overly surprised you managed to get the toaster working, though the toast it produces is shockingly good.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will receive a cheque this week for somewhere in the neighbourhood of seven million pounds (sterling, not punt).
Mars hints that it was all his doing, and mentions something about how he really thinks a new painting for his living room would really liven the place up.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your washing on Thursday will be wildly satisfying.
The horoscopes seem to be following a relational-type bent this week, though you can't figure how satisfying laundry relates to much of anything. And you don't really care, to be honest.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Make that purchase you've been holding off on making.
Also, your romantic interests this week, with Venus in your sign and rising, suffer a minor setback when you manage to talk to a prospect and spill tomato soup all over their front. And you maim their dog, but that was an accident. And not tomato-related.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
There is a conspiracy to steal your soul this week.
It doesn't go off, however, due to your long-standing belief that the soul and body can't be separated, and the conspirators aren't terribly interested in your body this week.
It's always the way, isn't it? When you want them to dig your body they only want to talk about the Soul and Mind, and when you want to talk to someone about Consciousness and Being all they want is your body.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be shocked and quite possibly appalled at how shockingly and appallingly bad the horoscopes are this week.
The song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" leaps to mind.
As does the song "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", for completely unrelated reasons.

Aries March 21 - April 19
You're still stuck in the tree this week, with the annoying monkeys bouncing all around you and the equally annoying rhinocerous below, occasionally listlessly headbutting the tree.
The age old adage about preferring annoyances that won't trample you has never been so pertinent as it is this week.
You forgot your Stanley knife, so you're left to just bang coconuts against the tree, which the rhino takes to mean it should keep banging the tree, itself.

Libra September 23 - October 22
The person who got hit by a stray bit of watermelon rind shrapnel last week was carted off to hospital, where the bulk of the watermelon rind was removed. However, later that week the patient takes a turn for the worse, as he's rushed back to the hospital where they find a rogue seed they'd not removed in the initial operation. Alas, it's too late for him, and he succumbs, after bravely holding on in a twenty-two hour surgery.
His family holds you directly responsible, and begin camping out on your lawn.
This is a bad week for you.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope. This comes as little surprise, as you haven't had a horoscope for some time now.
You may content yourself with being the butt of a running gag for two hundred and two weeks now, which has an almost Biblical ring to it, doesn't it?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Alligator-wrestling is not a sport for the weak of spirit. Nor is it for those people who mind losing a limb occasionally to a leathery greenish brown thing with sharp sharp teeth.
Keep this in mind when you write down your career goals and aspirations in your pay review this week.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your attempts this week to get everyone to call you the Sun King are largely unsuccessful.
You slip and fall on a piece of the watermelon shrapnel from Libra's antics of last week. Which is odd, because it's in your shower, and doesn't make any sense at all (not that watermelon, whole, make much sense, ever).

[Horoscopes. Yet another place for software for the kiddies.]