Taurus April 20 - May 20
A friend confides in you that they've always enjoyed the circus.
Why this is a reason for confidence, especially seeing as how they're a clown, is a mystery to you.

Leo July 23 - August 22
While I'm not a huge fan of eating vegetables, personally, you seem to get a huge kick out of that sort of thing this week.
With gusto, as they say.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Rising Mercury in Virgo can probably be blamed on tainted tap water.
Try drinking bottled water.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
If there's something you've always wanted to do, but have either never had the means, the time, or the motivation, this is not the week to try it, as you'll likely suffer an ignoble end in the process of attempting this new venture.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your heart shall set you free.
This comes as a huge relief, as it had had you locked up in that dungeon for quite some time, and wasn't timely with providing food and water, often.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your local council votes, unanimously, you've heard, to have you publicly humiliated at some point this month, as your own special local "Humiliate a Person Month".
You'd complain, but wouldn't want to deny anyone the joys of being able to humiliate someone else for an entire month, as you'd enjoyed it the past few years.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
A game of checkers and a sandwich composed largely of horseradish (and maybe bread) will clear up most major illnesses within a few hours.
This combination will make you a horrible dancer, however.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Trust in your own ability.
This excellent advice has little to do with the stars, who were being particularly uncooperative when it came to your sign, and was made up by the talented and capable people around the office as the deadline approached to get these done for the week.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Like a gazelle on the range, running free, leaping and bounding, chewing on tall grass and pawing at the dirt, so too shall you spend your week.
Your flowerbeds will look worse for wear by the time you're done. Which is why, you guess, they have the clause about not allowing gazelles at your apartment complex.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Just when you thought it was safe to assume the Horoscopal Board of Iniquity and Horoscopal Integrity's Enquiry Into the Reason For Scorpios' Reinstatement And General Carrying On, Zodiacally was to be a non-bloody/non-violent enquiry a gentleman calling himself "Don Luis Francisco" attempts to put a spear through your person.
As he's apparently quite drunk, he misses (or, if you like, as you're quite nimble, you avoid being skewered).
You do, however, tear a hangnail off whilst removing your socks later, bleeding copiously on to your socks before procuring a bandage of some sort.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Bolster your confidence in your own strength this week by beating up on people smaller than yourself.
If you can find a marketing or sales yob that's smaller than yourself you can also get out some frustration while you're building confidence!

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars have all gotten together and bought you one of those nice BMW convertibles!
The colour, grey, suits your eyes, say the stars.
You're vaguely suspicious that they want something of you. As they did when they'd given you that new electric tea kettle with the ducks on it.

[Horoscopes. See what Steve's going to announce that will make all of our lives so much better.]