Taurus April 20 - May 20
I will try to explain it one more time, slowly: Thomas the Tank Engine does not run on the Circle Line.
Your week will be pixelated.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have to take part in a battle in deep space to preserve the integrity of your Zodiac sign.
If you can't secure transportation yourself you're stuffed.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
A chicken will happen through your kitchen (somewhat lyrically, you'll note), most surprisingly live, and will proceed to peck your most precious petunias (alliteratively).
Overall, you feel like your week has been set up by some bored former literate punk.
Petunias, you'll also note, don't respond well to being pecked.

Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are absolutely, certifiably, out of your mind. And in the mind of D'Alembert.
You'll notice, though, that you still don't like broccoli, prompting you to ponder the absolute unlikeability of broccoli...

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There was a rather large mushy bit of text here when the horoscope writer sat down. It has since been swept away, and you may now resume normal service.
Take this horoscope with a pinch of salt and a smidgen of pepper.

Cancer June 21 - July 22
Don't do anything rash this week.
Like, say, set fire to anything which you don't know its' precise degree of combustibility.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
In the interim, Ginger, your next door neighbour, tends to come over a lot and ask after the "boys with the horses."
She has a rather large, unattractive nose.

Aries March 21 - April 19
The heavens above shall rain down good fortune on you and your kin.
A tortilla wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in another tortilla is bound to get messy.

Libra September 23 - October 22
Cocoa butter is the salve to butter over all your wounds.
This is not, as I'm shamelessly borrowing from himself here, like you would "spread a balm of peanut butter over our whitebread differences." Those are untamed by mere cocoa butter.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21
All this plotline takes a flying leap into the Amazon, gets ripped to shreads by frenzied pirhanas, and a koala bear toddles on to the tribe member of the formerly mostly lost tribe of Philadelphia, squishing him like a grape, which it turns out he was.
You blink a few times, as that seems to help. Or seems to not hurt anything in any overt way, which is nice.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The hamster finally gets a bit fed up, presumably waiting for a tip, and scampers (as they do) over. As you reach for your wallet, and get ready to make the universal "I'm terribly sorry, I'd love to help, but I seem to be all out of change and/or cash completely, sorry, maybe next time I come round I'll cover both times" look, it senses what look you're about to give it, appears to get agitated (which hamsters do by jiggling a bit, which is also, incidentally, what they do when they wish to stop scampering once they've reached their destination, or are hungry, or see a cute girl hamster go by or just about any time, really), grabs hold of your ear and drags you to the door, where there's a car waiting, presumably to take you to carry out your mission.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You experience the great sense of a weight lifting off your shoulders this week. This could be accounted for by the Jack Russells having learned tantric massage last week. And they also learned to lift great weights off your shoulders, which include warm towels.
You received an offer to go off somewhere and tend bar once. The offer still stands. The offer stands ever after all that, and after that which is to come... It may have seemed like a joke, but, upon further review, isn't.
NB. This horoscope was written before any 'phone conversations, theoretical or otherwise. But the offer, apparently, as it says above, still stands.

[Horoscopes. There is, finally, fresh news over at the 'tart.]